The Lawyers I Have Known--Part 2

Look, it's snowing, I can't go out, so I have nothing to do but type. Okay?

We were discussing why I have no lawyer friends. This is not strictly true. For example, there's the fun bunch at the legal publishing that I work at. They're cool. There's also a friend of a friend of a friend. But from my actual legal experience? Nada.

Now, all this is not to say that I did not have legal friends during my five years of law. I did. They just came from odd places and they no longer seem to be around. For example:

A_____: was one of my officemates during my summer. He was married, but that didn’t keep him from propositioning me. I think he had a thing for Indian girls since he got together with S____, who kept hanging around our office. Perhaps because I didn't fall for him, A______ was happy to tell everyone that, because I always got to work late, I did not do any work on the summer. I did always get to work late, and I worked on six separate cases of the summer. A is for Asshole.

M______: also an summer officemate, spent most of his time in the office screaming at real estate agents—directly behind me. He found a Union Square one-bedroom for $2900 a month.

AM_____: lived with me over the summer, and I thought we got along fine. However, when it came time to start at the firm, she discovered a whole new set of lawyer friends. I would have felt bad, but I was starting to hate anyone associated with the law firm anyway.

Ch_____: we summered together and ended up in the Firm together, and he was the only one who seemed to have some interest in a life--and a party--outside the firm environment. Ch____ now lives in San Francisco and we have not spoken for some time—perhaps because of the situation with C______ (see below).

Pa_____: this is a weird one. When I met Pa_____ during my summer at the firm, she was a gregarious, bohemian, thirty-something redheaded associate who wanted to party with us summer associates. When I came back as a first-year associate, she had straightened and blonded her hair, lost a ton of weight through Pilates, gotten contact lenses, and utterly lost her sense of humor. In short, she turned into one of those Sex-And-The-City broads. I don't know if she was stressed about not making partner or stressed about being 34 and unmarried, but suddenly we had nothing to talk about.

An______: went to Greece and Israel with me before we started at the firm. Gifted with a beautiful voice, she was, bizarrely, excited about being a corporate lawyer. Neurotically so. For example, she wanted to get a henna tattoo of the Greek word for “law” on her ankle. Enough said.

D____: my officemate while I was at the firm. I though she was sunny, chatty and very friendly. Then I discovered that she was actually Satan. Okay, that's a little harsh, but what I mean is that she told me if my phone rang when I was out, turned my computer on for me if she got to work before I did, and left Post-It notes about my cases on my computer. Also, from the first second I walked in until I left, she would just not shut up. Ever. About anything. Which is brutal when you are a) not a morning person and b) going to a job you hate and c) haven't had your daily cup of coffee yet. What I did not realize is that D_____ was very sharp, and very competitive. She chattered on the phone and shopped online all day, and only started her work at night. Therefore, when review time came around, she was commended for staying until midnight, while I didn't fare as well, even when I skipped lunches to get the hell out of there at six.

Cr____: he was a fellow first-year who needed a place to stay "for a few weeks." I am skeptical about living with boys, but after being badgered, I reluctantly agreed. The day he moved in, he told me that I needed to get a cleaning lady and a new toothbrush. Whether or not this may have been true--I am no toothbrush expert--I thought this was a bad start to our living together. So, incidentally, was the six-foot long turtle tank that he moved in for his temporary stay. (It smelled). We endured each other until he started dating one of my friends, and for some reason they both stopped talking to me. After that, female roommates only.

C_____: she did not actually work at my law firm, but I knew her through Ch____ (they went to school together). C_____ loved her work and her firm. Despite that, we were very, very good friends for a number of years, during which she had an affair with a married lawyer at her firm. This did not bother me. What bothered me was that after the affair ended, she decided that she wanted to date my ex, J____. J_____ (not a lawyer) had been very hard for me to get over, but we were friends and had a rule about not dating each other’s friends. Now J_____, who never met a girl he wouldn’t nail, was all for bedding C_____. I asked them both to cease and desist. They declined. I have not spoken to either since.

R_____: an Aussie lawyer who I still love, lives in London with her Aussie boyfriend and works for a British firm. Non-American lawyers are a much cooler bunch, as they are willing to do the lawyer job, but not willing to live the lawyer life.

You may inquire about my love life. While I did date some law students, most of my love affairs were, from the very beginning of law school, strictly extra-legal. Certainly there wasn’t a lawyer at the firm I wanted to date. There was, however, P______. P______ was a very good-looking, somewhat young tech support guy at the firm. He had two interests: techno music and computers, neither of which I knew much about. But he was cute. And, for a brief while, I actually looked forward to going to work.

But not for long. After all, nobody is THAT cute.