My Oscar Predictions

Well, it's time for the Oscars, which I never really even watch any more. When I was younger, I used to record them fanatically--post show, show, pre-show, clothing commentary. I was ALL ABOUT the red carpet. I think I started losing interest around the time that Joan Rivers and her infernal spawn got involved. And yet, when I daydream of winning an award, it's always the Oscar. Sure I'd rather have a Pulitzer, but I would be dressed SO WELL for the Oscars--Badgley Mischka, here I come. (I mean, why does everyone except for the actress nominees look so freaking boring?) Since all I know how to do is write, it should be for screenplays, but I hate writing screenplays. Besides, I know that I'll be the very first person in the history of the Oscars to stumble on stilletos and land splat on the stage.

Therefore, the closest I get to the Oscars is the Oscar pick, which, as my friends know, I always win. Or used to, until my Entertainment Weekly subscription ran out. So, consulting the internet to find out who's nominated, here are my picks--featuring pictures!


best picture: million dollar baby 

Best Picture: Okay, they all sound like good pictures. But Sideways won't get it--too indie. Finding Neverland was too sentimental. The Aviator had Leonardo. And Ray--does anyone even know who directed Ray? No, it goes to Million Dollar Baby, because Clint Eastwood is one older actor dude who doesn't embarass us and does Serious Worthy Intelligent Pictures.

best director: marty 

Best Director: They give it to famous directors, and it's best if the movie they directed has been nominated as well. Clint got one last year for Mystic River. Scorcese has never had one. Mike Leigh is one of those directors who critics and other directors Deeply Respect but no one sees his moves. Pick: Scorcese. Which he should have won for Goodfellas.


best actor: ray, er, jamie foxx 

Best Actor: Is it Clive Owen time yet? No? Who's here. A bunch of people and Jamie Foxx in Ray. Hmmm, let's ponder. The Academy likes all that singing and dancing stuff. It likes Ray Charles. Ray Charles died this year. What's his competition? Leo and Johnny are too damn good looking; if we give them an award too, their already swelled heads will grow monstrously. Clint's getting the director award already. That leaves Don Cheadle. We like Don Cheadle, but genocide pictures--especially where the U.S. could have done something and didn't--are such downers.


best supporting actor: clive owen, dammit! 

Best Supporting Actor: Clive Owen. Clive Owen. Clive Owen. I don't want to hear anything about how Morgan Freeman is Beloved and has been nominated Four Times and Won Nothing. I just plain don't care. Look at Clive. He's hot, dammit AND talented. And British. That's a trifecta. And I don't want to hear any arguments.


best actress: dame annette bening 

Best Actress: Having seen none of these movies, I think this award should go to Annette Bening. I've never seen her give a bad performance, even when the movie (The American President, for example) sucked. More importantly, she has somehow managed to hold notorious playboy Warren Beatty's affections for years. If she acted more frequently, she would have gotten this by now and be bitch-slapping Nicole Kidman all over the red carpet.


Best Supporting Actress: Cate as Kate 

Best Supporting Actress: Always a tough category. Natalie Portman is too young and has been rewarded enough by appearing in dirty scenes with Clive Owen. Imelda Staunton--Academy voters know the name but not the face. Virginia Madsen: too many B-movies to her name. Sophie Okonedo: see Don Cheadle, above. That leaves us with the fabulous Cate Blanchett, who was ROBBED by Gwyneth Paltrow for Best Actress for her work in Elizabeth. Down with skinny blond nepotism!

Okay, no more pics. But wasn't that exciting?

Best Original Screenplay: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Too odd to be ignored.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Sideways. The screenplay award is the consolation prize for movies that are too indie to win best picture. See, for example, Pulp Fiction (beaten out by Forrest Gump for best picture) or The Usual Suspects.

Best Animated: Incredibles. Just Love Pixar!

Best Arty Stuff: Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. Didn't even approach the coolness of the books, but looked gorgeous.

Best Documentary: Anything about Nazis, or Super Size Me. Same difference.

Best Song/Score: Anything that is NOT Phantom of the Opera.

Everything Else: Clive Owen.