the lawyer writer

sometimes legal                     sometimes literary                     sometimes not

Monday, March 07, 2005

Gratuitous Celebrity Sex Entry with Lesbian Overtones

All the really successful blogs seem to mostly cover the sex life of celebrities. In order to boost circulation, I have decided to follow in the footsteps of The Gawker and try a Gratuitious Celebrity Sex Entry, in hopes of puffing up my readership. I include pictures and Suggestive Ambiguously Sexual Language. Disclaimer: Please be aware, that this is simply a scientific experiment.

My ex and I were arguing the essential question of our time: who would you be more embarassed to have had sex with: Paris Hilton, Jenna Jameson or Pamela Anderson? The ex, ridiculously, said Paris Hilton was no problem, he'd be happy to (bleep) her. This prompted a round of emails to the heterosexual men in my life, most of whom agreed with me that Paris Hilton was definitely the most embarassing.

Why these women? I posed the question because they have all released/been viewed in porno tapes. And having seen these porno tapes, I rank them in the following Order of Embarassment from a woman's point of view (from most to least)

1) Paris Hilton: This woman is a stick figure, and judging from the tape, is more interested about being taped than enjoying sex. She answers her cell phone in the middle of it for God's sake. (I would also be embarassed because she seems to have the intelligence of a stick figure, but I'm not entirely convinced that men think about these things--when it comes to sex, anyway.

2) Jenna Jameson: I'm sure most of her orgasms are as fake as her boobs, but she would have, um, skills. I think there's a prestige factor involved as well, since she is such a figure of fantasy. Personally, I'd be worried about the number of people she's had sex with, but it's still better than admitting that Paris Hilton turns you on.

3) Pamela Anderson: Of the three, she alone seems to be enjoying herself on the tape--perhaps because, unlike the other three, the tape does really seem to have been for private enjoyment. Of course, I guess Tommy should get some credit to. And I like that she's a PETA member. (yes, that reduces the embarassment for me)

So, Ex, I think you are very much in the minority. The truth is, most men claim to be mortified at the thought of sleeping with any of the above, as I would be, but I wonder if I believe them. And my tastes, should they ever run towards the Feminine Mystique, is much more towards the dark-haired, dangerous, trouble making types. (I no longer go for Bad Boys, but if I went for girls, I would go for Bad Girls). If your imagination cannot fill in the blanks, may I suggest the following: Shane on the L-Word, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and, of course, the Queen of Dangerous Sexuality, Ms. Angelina Jolie. (Keep your pale blond-fake tan girl-Barbie girls. I would want a girl who can teach me a thing or two).

Now, if this doesn't boost my readership, I will abandon all sexual subtext and continue discussing the fascinating world of law.


Blogger Tigroo said...

It has boosted, it has boosted, keep on ;-) ;-)

I come from France to read you ;-)

Keep on !

2:08 PM  
Blogger Narkoleptik said...

Good shit, I enjoy reading your blog and have added to my links list...can't say it's the tits and ass pictures that did it for me though but good try :)!

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Surfing some of the lesbian blogs today I stumbled onto your blog. I liked it! Thanks for the posts...

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