the lawyer writer

sometimes legal                     sometimes literary                     sometimes not

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Gratuitious Sex Entry.2

So, as promised, a little late, the Second Gratuitous Sex Entry.

Now, what many people do not know about me is that I have written a book tenatively entitled The Sexiest Films of All Time...And What They Can Teach You. This is, of course, in a continued effor to give my Brahmin parents something to brag about to their friends. I wrote the book more as a film book about sexy films, rather than any type of kinky sex manual, as I have a degree in film studies, but alas, not in kinky sex. The book is brutally simple in its marketing where I describe each film briefly and what's sexy about it. Also included, presumably, will be a nice stock photo image of the film in question.

I say presumably because the book, though finished, has yet to be published. I wrote the book for a brand-new publishing company that you will not have heard of. They were actually formed as a subsidiary of an investment company that decided that it would get into publishing...for the money. Leaving that aside, the publishers want the writers to get involved in every aspect of marketing and packaging of the book, and that the majority of the money was going to go towards publicity, and making the author really, really famous. This is what every writer wants to hear.

Unfortunately, since I have delivered the book to the publisher, I have not heard a peep. The last I recall was sitting in a film stock footage company for hours while we poured over the photographs and wondered which would make us a million bucks. Since I was paid a small fee for the book and am not particularly eager to be known as a dating expert (I'm more in the "Ladies, Don't Try This At Home" category) it is not a total tragedy. I do feel annoyed that it may have been a waste of my time to write a full book that may not be published.

That said, let the Gratuitous Sex Entry continue. This one is called "Hot Chicks in Arty Foreign Films." Before you complain that you hate subtitles, let me remind you that foreign films are allowed to be a hell of a lot more explicit than the American variety. And my, my look how big the pictures are!

Paz Vega in Sex & Lucia. Gotta love the title, but it is misleading. The movie is actually about Sex & Lucia, but also about Sex & Lorenzo, Sex & Elena, Sex & Carlos, Sex & Luna...well, you get the picture. Nothing is left to the imagination, but the sexiest parts are the moments between a couple who've just met. Rather than the meaningless humping that usually goes on, these two actually seem to enjoy the excitement of meeting someone new and amazing. It's romance without thousands of tiny candles lining a bathtub that improbably fits two, or some arty mysticism. The couple in question--Paz Vega being an integral part--take naked polaroids, they do stripteases, they make each other laugh, they jump into bed, they experiment. No 9 1/2 Weeks griminess here--monogamous sex can be Fun, & Rom! However, for those of you requiring 9 1/2 Weeks griminess or arty mysticism, there's both when the porn star's daughter tries to get it on with her mother's boyfriend, and when the heroine and a naked man cover each other with mud. Satisfied, you perverts?

Catherine Deneuve in Belle Du Jour. Okay, it's made in the 1960's, and it's not a movie and not even film but Cinema. It's even French. Before you fade away, allow me to describe opening sequence. Hot Severine and her hot husband Pierre are in a carriage. Pierre says "I love you" and Severine ignores him. Then Pierre calls her a slut, drags her out of the carriage kicking and screaming, gets the horseman to tie her by her wrists, and whips her a little bit. Then he lets the coachman have her. Then you realize it's Severine's fantasy. Not enough? Severine's other fantasies lead her to start working in a brothel. She becomes their number one attraction. When a strange Asian man comes in with a ticking box, the other girls are scared off. Severine takes him in. An hour later a maid sees her face down on the bed. When she looks up Severine is radiant as only a girl who's had some really dirty things done to her can be. Now that should be enough--go rent the movie.

Ana Lopez Mercado in Y Tu Mama Tambien. This is for all those people out there who have worn out the rewind button watching the dirty Matt Dillon-Denise Richards-Neve Campbell threesome in Wild Things. You know who you are. It's time for a change; let Senora Mercado show how a threesome is really done. 1) Get yourself two hot teenage Latin studs with something to prove 2) Go on a road trip in beautiful scenic Mexico heading towards a beach that may or may not exist 3) Jump both boys separately, and let them each think it was his idea, and then make sure the other knows about it. This will get them all fired and jealous of each other. You know--mucho mexicano tamale. 4) Find a shack on the beach, get drunk and start dirty dancing. 5) Retire to the aforementioned shack for some three-way play. It helps to have an absolutely perfect body that was made for bikinis. Bitch.

That's all for now. Let's see what happens to my ratings when I try and court the international vote.


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